I love sushi, I don’t mind the odd Korean bbq, I’ve opened my mind to the possibility of trying Pho again and like every normal person on the planet, I can’t pass up pad Thai but the problem is, Asian food just isn’t sexy!
So here is why you I think you should avoid it for your first few dates with your dream white girl.
First of all there is the type of places Asian cuisine is usually served at, they aren’t exactly the most elegant of atmospheres, they’re usually some dodgy looking hole down a dark alley, with bathroom tiles on the wall and mismatched chairs. If they have spent more than $30 decorating the place then they are so crowded you can’t hear yourself ask the waiter for a knife as your surrounded by tanks filled with murky looking water and lobsters looking depressed as they wait for their inevitable doom. And don’t kid yourself, no matter how great the food is your date just isn’t going to appreciate the fact that she’s going to have to hover over the toilet seat because everyone else seems to prefer standing on the toilet seat and spraying everywhere … TMI? maybe but trust me, people need to know that good hygiene should be universal.
So then there is the chopstick factor, I can do wooden chopsticks but metal or plastic? I just can’t master no matter how hard I try the food just keeps slipping out, this is particularly attractive when eating soup, who doesn’t want to be splashed with meat juice as the noodles slip down and back into your bowl – HOT! and there is something pretty unattractive watching people take huge mouthfuls of food because there is no knife around to cut huge chunks of meat into bite size pieces, and before you go asking the waiter at the Korean bbq for a knife, look for the scissors on the table… that’s what I wanted to be doing on this date, cutting my meat up with scissors. Let’s fast forward to the Chinese wedding I attended and in true style we all oohed and ahhed over the expensive lobster being served, how do we eat it? Why just crack the shell with your teeth and dig it out… turned on yet?
If your date’s face suddenly becomes flushed, she starts to perspire a little and seems to be sipping on her drink a lot, she probably isn’t turned on by your hotness, she’s probably trying to figure out how to let you know that while she thought she could handle spicy food, her idea of spicy food up until now was ordering the extra hot basting at Nandos. “Asian spicy” is an entirely different situation and something that requires some getting used to so beware!
The sushi factor is also something I just can’t get my head around, I’ve been told time and time again I should eat the entire piece in one go, maybe I just have a small mouth but I always end up looking like I’m doing my best Popeye impersonation when it comes to sushi, so I’ve tried biting the rolls in half only to have it fall into little bits all over my plate… so this is why people don’t face each other at sushi trains.
The smug waiters are one thing that gets me every time, offering me forks before I ask or pointing at me and asking if I can handle it is just a massive turn off and I will choke down the most chewy of ox tongue and the most spicy of Japanese curry if it means shutting that waiter up! Then there are the lines… if your date is all dressed up do her a favour and don’t follow the Asian rule of “if there is a line then it must be good” nobody wants to spend an hour in line waiting for a table, no matter how amazing the food is supposed to be.
So If we aren’t bent over, face in bowls, slurping our soup, then our noodles are slipping from our chopsticks to splash potent smelling soup all over us, combine that with the fact that after leaving a Korean bbq you will forever smell like meat and Kimchi or that shoving an entire sushi roll into your mouth it’s just all so attractive, so with all this in mind let’s just have a moment of silence for the fact that I have date 2 at a fancy sushi restaurant with a hot Vietnamese pilot…
I love these two links for how to eat sushi